The thought of leaving was the first and last thing on my mind during that toxic relationship. Was this situation bad enough? Could the relationship be saved? What if leaving was a mistake? I knew there would be no way he’d take me back.
I wavered back and forth about what to do, agonizing over this decision. The thought of making the wrong decision was paralyzing.
I’d never heard of the term cognitive dissonance or narcissistic abuse. My education in psychology focused on the mind or the individual, not on the effect of individuals on relationships. I didn't know two realities had been created: the idealized version introduced during the love bombing and the real version that I glimpsed during our worst moments.
This stuck feeling was the worst, topping all the betrayals and his constant deceptiveness. And I know I’m not alone—many of you have shared the same experiences.
Whether you are currently surviving or have left a toxic relationship, chronic and persistent cognitive dissonance is something none of us ever want to experience again. This week, I will unpack how we can navigate confusing situations differently to avoid this paralyzing confusion.
First, identify the underlying causes of your current or past confusion. It’s rarely just one thing.
Ask yourself:
Am I unsure what’s real or true about my partner? Are there different sides to this person that leave me questioning who I’m living with?
Am I facing personal uncertainty that complicates the situation, like I’m financially dependent or lacking the necessary support to leave?
Are there cultural, societal, or religious expectations impeding me?
Are my own insecurities and fears worsening my position?
Consider making a list of these concerns. Often, seeing the various items written down makes them feel tangible and allows us to approach them one at a time.
Looking back, I realize I wanted the agonizing indecisiveness to go away more than I wanted to find a real solution. I threw myself into trying to change him instead of rescuing me.
Please hear me: that remedy is never going to work. External control is an illusion. You can only change what you have direct control over—yourself.
To go deeper into this topic:
Check out the full episode of the podcast. Tara joins me to discuss the role fear plays in decision-making.
Join with a paid subscription to learn how to create your “bottom experience” with Tara on this week’s podcast extra and how to see behind your partner’s good guy/woman mask. You also get helpful links to other resources and the full podcast transcript.
Please be aware that there will be no livestream this week since I’m hosting the Rising Strong Retreat, but join me next week for an in-depth discussion on gaslighting.
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