How To Recognize Sadism In Toxic Relationships

Recognizing and understanding sadism in relationships is crucial for safeguarding your emotional and physical well-being.

When left unchecked, even subtle sadistic behaviors can escalate into severe psychological trauma and long-lasting abuse.

So, by learning to identify the warning signs of sadism early - You can protect yourself and take proactive steps toward a healthier, more respectful relationship.

Definition of Sadism

From a psychological standpoint, we can define sadism as:

"The deliberate act of inflicting physical, emotional, or psychological distress on another person, deriving pleasure, satisfaction, or a sense of power from their suffering. This can manifest through direct aggression, passive-aggressive behaviors, or covert manipulation. Unlike mere cruelty, sadism involves enjoyment or gratification in causing pain, rather than indifference or a lack of empathy alone."

In relationships, sadistic abuse is especially insidious because it is often disguised as humor, discipline, or a reaction to the victim’s "failings."

How Exactly Does Sadism Look Like In Toxic Relationships?

Subtle sadism in a toxic relationship often flies under the radar because it’s not overt physical cruelty but rather small, calculated acts that cause distress, humiliation, or pain in ways that are easy to deny or dismiss.

Here are some examples:

1. Physical Sadism

This involves deriving pleasure from physically harming, controlling, or intimidating others.

• Pinching, grabbing, or “playfully” hurting a partner just enough to cause discomfort but not leave visible marks, then laughing it off.

• Blocking someone’s way or physically restraining them during an argument to assert dominance.

• Deliberately pushing someone’s physical limits, like making them eat something too spicy or encouraging them to overdrink, just to see them struggle.

2. Emotional Sadism

This involves inflicting psychological distress, humiliation, or manipulation to elicit an emotional reaction.

• Smiling or showing pleasure when their partner is crying or deeply upset.

• Subtly embarrassing their partner in social situations, like bringing up an insecurity or past mistake in a lighthearted tone.

• Ignoring their partner’s emotional pain deliberately, enjoying their suffering while pretending to be indifferent.

3. Verbal Sadism

Using words to inflict pain, undermine, or humiliate.

• Making cruel jokes or sarcastic remarks about their partner’s appearance, intelligence, or worth, then dismissing concerns with, “I was just teasing.”

• Deliberately misinterpreting their partner’s words to make them sound ridiculous or unreasonable.

• Gaslighting by twisting facts to make their partner doubt their own memory or perception, enjoying the confusion it causes.

4. Passive-Aggressive Sadism

Inflicting distress in an indirect way while maintaining plausible deniability.

• “Forgetting” to do something important they promised, especially when it puts their partner in a difficult position.

• Giving the silent treatment with an air of smug satisfaction, watching their partner’s distress grow.

• Withholding affection or small acts of kindness on purpose, just to make their partner feel undeserving.

5. Sexual Sadism

Deriving pleasure from humiliating, controlling, or inflicting distress in a sexual context (non-consensually).

• Pressuring a partner into sex after an argument, using intimacy as a way to dominate rather than connect.

• Making degrading comments during intimacy that they know make their partner feel uncomfortable or humiliated.

• Withholding physical affection as punishment, making their partner beg for touch or closeness.

6. Intellectual Sadism

Using knowledge, logic, or debate to humiliate, manipulate, or assert dominance over others.

• Deliberately arguing in a convoluted way just to frustrate their partner and make them feel stupid.

• Constantly correcting minor mistakes in a condescending tone to make their partner feel inferior.

• Bringing up obscure facts or research to “win” discussions, even in situations where it’s irrelevant, just to show off superiority.

7. Financial Sadism

Using money or financial control to inflict distress.

• Deliberately making their partner feel guilty for spending money on basic needs while they indulge themselves.

• Withholding financial support as punishment, such as refusing to pay for an agreed-upon expense after an argument.

• Secretly running up debt in both partners’ names to create long-term financial hardship and control.

8. Social Sadism

Deriving pleasure from isolating, humiliating, or manipulating social dynamics to hurt someone.

• Spreading subtle rumors or making “concerned” comments that cast doubt on their partner’s reputation.

• Ignoring their partner in public while lavishing attention on others, just to make them feel insignificant.

• Encouraging friends or family to take sides against their partner in conflicts, enjoying the power imbalance.

9. Relational/Interpersonal Sadism

Finding pleasure in causing distress through the power dynamics of close relationships.

• Giving their partner small, impossible tests of loyalty or love, then punishing them for failing.

• Breaking trust on purpose—like subtly flirting with others—just to enjoy their partner’s insecurity and reaction.

• Alternating between kindness and cruelty, keeping their partner on edge and emotionally dependent.

Each type of sadism operates on a spectrum, from minor manipulations to deeply harmful abuse. In toxic relationships, these behaviors may be subtle at first but tend to escalate over time.

So then the questions becomes “How exactly can you tell whether or not sadism is present in your relationship?”

Lisa and I explore this topic in the paid version of this newsletter which you can get access to by clicking the button below:

Plus we’ll also explore the reasons why sadism often goes undetected in toxic relationships so you can avoid these mistakes in the future.

Here’s a quick snippet from that conversation:

And make sure to join me tomorrow live on TikTok, Facebook, and YouTube at 4 p.m. CT. This week we’ll discuss the topic: Your Partner’s Cruelty is on Purpose