How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist

Or, actually with anyone!

How can we manage difficult relationships if toxic people, particularly narcissists, make ultimatums?

The obvious answer is not to try, but that’s not always possible, especially if it’s a family member, a boss, or a neighbor. That’s when distinguishing between good and bad boundaries becomes critical.

What is a Boundary?

Think of healthy boundaries as your personal property line. Your skin is the most obvious example; it demarcates where you end, and the rest of the world begins. But boundaries also include our psychological and relational selves.

It is all the things that define “you,” such as your likes and dislikes, opinions, emotional reactions, preferences, and needs. We keep ourselves safe when we protect our psychological perimeter.

Many people confuse controlling behavior with boundaries. Limit setting isn’t so much about the other person but your tolerance. For example, I hate peas. Let’s imagine I’ve been invited to dinner, and the host serves peas. Here’s the difference between setting a healthy boundary versus being controlling:

Healthy Boundary: “No, thank you for the peas. Everything looks delicious; I’m just not a fan of peas.”

Controlling Behavior: “Why did you make peas? I thought I told you I’m not a fan of peas.”

Practicing good boundaries doesn’t attempt to exert power over someone else; it informs others what we will allow in our lives.

Guidelines for Boundary Setting

Here are some helpful practices when setting a boundary: