“You’ll just have to decide if you can live with a sex addict,” my ex said. His hands clenched the steering wheel as he stared out the windshield. His eyes were glued to the road ahead.
I whirled to look in his direction; my mouth fell open in astonishment.
For nearly two years I’d thrown myself into saving this relationship. I thought of all the hours we had each spent in individual and couples therapy. All of the books I’d consumed on the subject of infidelity and sexual betrayal. All the money I’d poured into saving him and rescuing our relationship.
And this was the best I was going to get?
No ownership of how he’d broken my heart. No promises of loyalty to our marriage. Not even an acknowledgment of my sacrifice.
A line had been drawn in the sand. He was an unrepentant “sex addict” who would continue to relapse. Now it was up to me to decide what I was going to do next.
I thought back to that morning in the hotel room when he pleaded for help. It had been only a few hours earlier when I read the chat messages from a woman claiming to be dating him.
“No one’s believed me,” he said. “My ex just laughed when I told her I think it’s an addiction.”
My heart had swelled when he said that. I wanted to be someone different to him. Someone who cared. Someone who would go the distance.
Now, two years later, I was tired, spent, broken, and desperate. He had weaponized my compassion against me.
Types of Empathy
Most of us have heard of cognitive and affective empathy. The first is the ability to imagine ourselves in someone else’s position, whereas the second is feeling what that would be like. Narcissists and other highly conflictual personality types are capable of cognitive empathy but struggle with affective empathy.
But have you heard of empathy described as “imaginative other perspective” or “imaginative self perspective?”
Healthy relationships are built on the expectation that we will be able to relate to each other’s emotional experience. That we can imagine what it would feel like to face similar situations while holding onto a clear sense of ourselves. Though we are different from them, we can imagine what it would be like to be them. That’s an example of imaginative other perspective.
Imaginative self perspective goes much further. It’s when we take on the other person’s emotional experience as though it was our own. We begin to manage their psychological distress and pain. It’s the housewife straightening the home while hushing the kids at the sound of her husband pulling into the driveway. Or, it’s the husband rushing to meet his depressed wife with a hot cup of coffee at the sound of her slow, heavy footsteps. We assume the emotional responsibility for making the other person better, happier, or healthier.
Dysfunctional people often regulate their emotions by depending on others to assume responsibility for troubling feelings. Partners and family members, like mind readers, are expected to know empathically what this individual needs.
This process, however, is costly. Those around the narcissist lose themselves as they are drawn in to accommodate the toxic person’s needs.
My ex had made it my job to manage all of his distressful and painful emotions brought on by his acting out while no one was tending to mine.
Does this sound familiar?
To Learn More:
Be sure to listen to this week’s podcast. Rossana Faye (Instagram: @_rollercoasteroflove) joins me to discuss the sabotaging effects of self-doubt and distrust in toxic relationships. You can listen to it here.
Join me for tomorrow’s livestream for a deeper discussion of the benefits and problems with empathy.
For Subscribers:
Listen in to this week’s Podcast Extra as Ro and I discuss the problems of imaginative self perspective along with a helpful solution.
Learn how to identify if your empathy is being weaponized.
Explore other helpful resources on healthy vs. unhealthy empathy.
And, get a transcript of this week’s podcast.
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