The Dangerous Power of Gaslighting to Make You Feel Crazy
Protect yourself by recognizing the signs earlier!
Gaslighting is fascinating.
All of us do it from time to time, but never for good reasons.
Most of us struggle to wrap our heads around its exact definition. No, lying is not always gaslighting, but gaslighting always involves lying.
Let me explain. Merriam-Webster defines lying as making an untrue statement with the intent to deceive or by creating a false or misleading impression.
No doubt, living with a chronic liar can be crazy-making, but the act of lying is missing a critical element to be considered gaslighting.
Gaslighting twists reality in a way that causes the listener to question reality, their sensory perceptions, their experience of themselves, or their feelings. It pulls attention away from the original issue and makes the other person the problem.
Gaslighters do this for lots of reasons. Some are innocently insensitive, like the mom who rushes her kids out the doors, telling her youngest that his new shoes are not too tight; he’s just not used to them.
And then there are those who have a malevolent intent to harm.
The most common reasons people gaslight are:
To exert control - Gaslighters often want to gain power over the other person’s life and actions by making them doubt themselves, increasing their dependency.
To avoid accountability - Gaslighters can avoid responsibility for their actions by twisting facts and denying previous statements. The listener assumes they got it wrong or are crazy, letting the gaslighter off the hook.
Jealousy - By undermining the target’s confidence, the gaslighter is able to diminish or undermine that person’s sense of achievement.
Hide wrongdoing - Gaslighting can be used to conceal a person’s misdeeds, flaws, and mistakes by shifting blame to another person.
Deep-seated insecurity - Those with low self-esteem may gaslight to elevate their own status by contrast. By making others seem unstable or incapable, they can boost their value or accomplishments artificially.
Following learned behavior - Sometimes, gaslighting has been learned as a pathological coping mechanism in more dysfunctional families.
For amusement - As disturbing as it sounds, habitual liars and those with antisocial tendencies may actually enjoy distorting reality and provoking emotional distress for their own entertainment.
This week, I interviewed Dr. Robin Stern, author of the best-selling book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Others Use to Control Your Life, about the interpersonal dynamics of gaslighting, such as the gaslighter’s motives and why the gaslightee behaves compliantly.
For Subscribers:
In this week’s Podcast Extra, find out if someone is gaslighting you. Dr. Stern provides a list of critical questions to consider
A list of the most common forms of gaslighting
A list of resources on gaslighting relationships
And, of course, this week’s podcast transcript
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