The Devastating Power of Stonewalling: Using Silence as an Emotional Weapon
I’ll never forget the first time someone stonewalled me.
Sure, I’d heard of it. My sisters used a silly form of it whenever they didn’t want to hear what I had to say during an argument. They’d stick their fingers in their ears, scrunch their eyes shut tight, and sing, “La-la-la-la!” as loudly as they could. It would get the desired effect, too. I flay my hands at their chests, begging them to stop. They would, with a shit-eating grin, knowing that they had won that round.
It hurt when my sisters used it on me as a child, but those experiences paled by comparison the first time it happened to me as an adult.
My second husband and I had just gotten married and were on our honeymoon. Earlier on, I’d confronted him about something hurtful and thought the issue was resolved. Only it wasn’t—at least not for him.
That night, as we walked into our honeymoon suite, he announced he’d be going out to enjoy an evening alone. He couldn’t have timed the injury better. I’d hoped we’d make love to celebrate our new marriage just as I heard he’d be going out. I remember dropping into the chair, stunned as my mouth fell open. I couldn’t decide to scream or cry.
For the next hour, I didn’t move from that spot as the pain of rejection laced through me. I’d been put on notice: our connection was only as good as my ability to keep him happy. I knew then that I was on thin ice.
Stonewalling became one of my ex’s favorite go-to tactics. He used it to discontinue upsetting conversations, as a control tactic, as a form of punishment, and as a way to escape for the night.
Though it was never quite as devastating as it was that first night, it never stopped being hurtful.
But there is another type of emotional withdrawal that looks a lot like stonewalling but isn’t. Some people find upsetting topics so distressful that they psychologically shut down. The thinking part of their brain essentially goes offline, making it hard to have a thoughtful discussion. Most of the time, they aren’t trying to be hurtful but rather self-protective, though their partner or loved one may not experience it that way.
In this week’s Subscriber’s Edition,
Lisa will join me on this week’s Podcast Extra to explore what’s called “emotional flooding” or withdrawal
You’ll also learn how to identify stonewalling from emotional withdrawal
And get tips on what to do when facing either
Be sure to check out this week’s podcast discussion for more on stonewalling. It’s called “Stonewalling as a Nasty Weapon: How to Disarm Toxic Interactions.” You can listen to it here.
And, this week’s live stream on Facebook, TikTok, and YouTube will bring the discussion to you. Please join me on Tuesday afternoon, March 12, at 4:00 pm CST (2 pm PST/3 pm MST/5 pm EST) where I’ll be answering your questions about stonewalling and emotional abuse.
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