They Broke You In Pieces, Then Offered Themselves As The Cure

What starts out feeling like love can slowly turn into something confusing and painful and by the time you notice, you’re already in too deep.

One minute, you’re the center of their world. The next, you’re walking on eggshells, chasing crumbs of affection, wondering what changed.

From emotional highs that feel like love to gut-wrenching crashes that leave you questioning your sanity, this cycle creates a powerful grip that’s hard to break. It’s not just painful, it’s addictive.

This week, we’re unpacking the psychological and physical cycle of narcissistic abuse: why it’s so hard to leave, why your body keeps pulling you back, and what it really takes to break free.

How Narcissistic Abuse Creates an Addictive Emotional Loop

The addictive cycle of narcissistic abuse mimics the dynamics of trauma bonding, an emotional rollercoaster that creates dependency, confusion, and a deep sense of entrapment.

Here's how it typically unfolds:

1. Idealization (The Hook)

The narcissist love-bombs you, lavishing you with attention, flattery, gifts, or intense connection.

You may feel like you’ve found your soulmate or the parent you always needed. This stage creates emotional intensity and attachment, making it hard to let go later.

“No one’s ever made me feel this seen or this special.”

2. Devaluation (The Confusion)

Once you’re invested, the narcissist begins to chip away at your sense of self. You’re subtly criticized, blamed, ignored, or compared to others.

This shift is confusing because it contradicts the earlier affection. You may start to chase their approval, believing if you just "fix" yourself, the love will return.

“What did I do wrong? How do I get back to how things were?”

3. Gaslighting & Cognitive Dissonance (The Trap)

Gaslighting and denial of your reality intensify. You’re told you’re too sensitive, crazy, or imagining things.

Over time, you begin to doubt your instincts and rewrite your own memories to stay in the relationship. This is where trauma bonding deepens, you become addicted to the rare moments of approval.

“Maybe it’s not abuse. Maybe I am overreacting.”

4. Intermittent Reinforcement (The Drug)

This is what truly hijacks your nervous system: occasional returns to warmth, intimacy, or normalcy.

These breadcrumbs of affection activate your brain's reward system, like a slot machine payout. You stay hooked, hoping the "real" version of them comes back.

“See? They can be loving. Maybe there’s still hope.”

5. Discard (The Crash)

Eventually, the narcissist may ghost, cheat, rage, or break up, often in cold, sudden, or cruel ways. You're left reeling and desperate for closure.

But the absence only intensifies the craving to get back in their good graces. This sets up the cycle to start all over again, if not with the same person, with a similar one.

“How can they walk away like I never mattered?”

Why It’s So Addictive

• The cycle creates emotional withdrawal, like detoxing from a drug.

• It mirrors unresolved childhood wounds, especially for those raised in dysfunctional families.

• Your self-worth becomes entangled in getting the narcissist to treat you kindly again.

• You may feel compelled to earn their love, believing if you just do it "right," you'll finally be safe.

Recognizing this pattern is a vital first step to breaking free. Many survivors only realize in hindsight how conditioned they were to stay, both psychologically and emotionally.

Understanding the Cycle That Keeps You Stuck

The Cycle Constantly Feeds Itself, Slowly Compounding Over Time.

When the narcissist begins the cycle of love bombing, followed by devaluation, then brief returns to affection your nervous system is constantly shifting between reward and stress.

• Emotionally, you're desperate to get back to the “good version” of them.

• Physiologically, your body is chasing dopamine, oxytocin, and the relief of cortisol drops.

This creates a bio-emotional loop: you crave relief from them, so you seek connection with them, which traps you further.

Which Is Why In Order To Finally Break The Cycle You Need To Target Both

You can’t out-think your way out of this. And you can’t regulate your nervous system while staying in emotional chaos.

Healing must involve both:

• Cognitive clarity - naming the abuse, confronting the truth

• Nervous system work - grounding, co-regulation, safety-based practices

Otherwise, even if you leave the relationship you’ll be entangled. Ruminating, doubting, even relapsing.

Are You Addicted to the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?

Instructions: For each statement, choose how often it feels true for you. There are no right or wrong answers. This is for your clarity, not judgment.

1. I feel an intense urge to reconnect with them, even after they’ve hurt me.

2. When they’re kind or affectionate again, I feel a rush of relief, like I can finally breathe.

3. I often minimize or rationalize their harmful behavior to myself or others.

4. I’ve tried to leave or go no-contact, but I keep getting pulled back in.

5. Even when I know the relationship is toxic, part of me still believes they could change.

6. I feel panicked, empty, or physically unwell when we’re disconnected or not speaking.

7. I keep waiting for the “real them” to return, the one who seemed loving at the start.

8. I find myself obsessively thinking about them or replaying our conversations.

9. I’ve ignored my own needs, goals, or values in order to maintain the relationship.

10. I feel ashamed of how hard it is to let go, like something must be wrong with me.

11. I crave their attention or validation, even when I know it comes with pain.

12. I often check their social media, ask mutual friends about them, or reread old messages.

13. I feel addicted to the intensity of the relationship, even the highs and lows.

14. I’ve stayed longer than I wanted to because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing them.

15. The thought of fully moving on feels overwhelming, terrifying, or impossible.

Next Steps:

If you answered “Often” or “Almost Always” to several questions, you may be experiencing a trauma bond.

A type of emotional and physiological addiction common in narcissistic abuse dynamics. Your body and brain have adapted to survive something deeply confusing.

Something New Just For You

If you’ve been trying to heal on your own, reading the books, listening to the podcasts, doing the inner work, but still find yourself stuck in old patterns or second-guessing your instincts… you’re not alone.

Sometimes what we really need is a safe, supportive space where we can be seen, heard, and gently challenged to grow.

This small group isn’t about pushing you or fixing you. It’s about walking with you.

Together, we’ll untangle the confusion left behind by toxic relationships, rebuild your self-trust, and help you start choosing yourself, without guilt. You don’t have to keep spinning in isolation, wondering if you’re doing it wrong.

Healing is so much more powerful (and peaceful) when it’s shared.

If you’re ready to break the cycle and reclaim your clarity, this space was made for you.

Here’s what others had to say about this experience:

“I’m beginning to see that I am separate from the bigger issue. I am different. The biggest change has been the freedom I’m experiencing. I’m daily freeing myself from others’ issues. I feel lighter. I’m no longer being treated with disrespect.”

“I have insight to why I was having the intense anxiety/anger. All of it was helpful but I especially liked the online discussions. The whole experience was eye-opening.”

If you’re ready to join us, you can click here to get started.

But if you just want to learn more and get some answers to your questions, simply comment “Reset” on this post.

How Do You Actually Break The Addictive Abusive Cycle?

Your body, mind, and heart have all been caught in something that trains you to stay.

And breaking that cycle? It takes more than just a decision. You can’t logic your way out of something your nervous system thinks is love.

In the paid version of this newsletter, we’re going deeper into exactly how to break that addictive pull plus a simple 90-second practice you can start using immediately to reclaim a moment of peace.

Click the button below to subscribe:

How To Break The Addictive Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Breaking the addiction to a narcissistic or toxic relationship is not just about making the decision to leave, it’s about detaching from the emotional and physiological hold that person has on you.

Think of it as a multi-layered separation: cognitive, emotional, physical, and nervous-system-based. Here are the first steps to start loosening that grip:

1. Acknowledge It Is an Addiction

Call it what it is. This isn’t “just a breakup”, it’s a trauma bond.

• Name the pattern: idealize → devalue → discard → breadcrumb.

• Validate that your cravings, confusion, and longing aren’t weakness, they’re signs of conditioning, not love.

“Of course I miss them. My nervous system was trained to feel relief in their presence, even when they caused harm.”

2. Create Physical & Digital Distance

You need space to interrupt the cycle.

• Block or mute them on all platforms (even if it's temporary).

• Stop checking their socials or asking mutual friends for updates.

• Remove reminders, photos, gifts, playlists, from daily view.

Even one “hit” (a post, a message) can reignite the trauma bond like a drug cue.

3. Interrupt the Fantasy Loop

Part of the addiction is to the idea of who they were or could be.

• Write down your most painful memories, not to dwell, but to remind yourself of reality.

• Create a “truth list” you can revisit during weak moments. Include things they said or did that were emotionally unsafe or dehumanizing.

Your brain will romanticize them in withdrawal. You need facts to ground you.

4. Reclaim Nervous System Safety

Your body has been living in chaos. Begin calming it:

• Daily grounding (e.g., breathwork, cold water on the face, walking barefoot)

• Tapping (EFT), vagus nerve stimulation, or somatic tracking

• Prioritize safe connection with others, co-regulation is medicine

You can’t heal while your body is still bracing for their next mood or manipulation.

5. Cultivate Counter-Dependency

This is where you shift from “I need them to feel okay” to “I am okay, even without them.”

• Say no to things just to prove you can.

• Spend time alone, on purpose.

• Reinvest in people and practices that feel nourishing, not depleting.

Detaching from them means attaching to yourself again.

6. Get Support That Gets It

Trauma bonds don’t break with logic, they break with attuned support.

• Join communities of survivors.

• Work with a coach or therapist trained in narcissistic abuse.

• Avoid professionals who push “forgiveness” or mutual blame too early.

Healing starts when someone finally names what you went through—and believes you.

Bonus: Track Your Cravings

When you feel the pull to reach out or check up on them, pause and write:

• What triggered this craving?

• What am I hoping to feel if I reconnect?

• What else might soothe this need?

You’re not trying to suppress the craving, you’re trying to understand and redirect it.

90-Second Win Challenge

Break the Craving Loop

Challenge:
The next time you feel the urge to check their social media, reread old texts, or mentally rehash what went wrong…

Pause for 90 seconds and do this instead:

1. Name the craving out loud (or write it down):
   “This is the part of me that misses the intensity and is hoping they’ll be different.”

2. Place your hand on your chest and tell yourself:
   “Of course I feel this. My brain was wired to believe they were safety. But I’m building a new kind of safety now—one that doesn’t hurt me.”

3. Breathe in deeply and exhale slowly. Twice.
   Feel yourself in this moment, not their grip, not the past.

Why it works:
You’re interrupting the automatic pattern, validating your craving without acting on it, and re-grounding in your present. That’s a tiny yet massive win.

Breaking free from the narcissistic abuse cycle isn’t only about being stronger, it’s about being supported, informed, and compassionate with yourself.

The grip may feel unbreakable at times, but every moment you choose truth, grounding, or self-connection, you loosen it.

Healing is possible and it starts with awareness, not perfection. You don’t have to do it all at once.

Just one small, clear step at a time.

You’re not alone, and you’re not broken. You’re recovering from something that was never your fault. And that recovery? It’s already begun.

Resources

How to Identify and Escape a Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Understanding the Narcissistic Abuse and Breaking the Cycle:

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

What Is a Narcissistic Abuse Cycle & How Does It Work?

Videos

See you next week!
Kerry,

1: “I’m beginning to see that I am separate from the bigger issue. I am different. The biggest change has been the freedom I’m experiencing. I’m daily freeing myself from others’ issues. I feel lighter. I’m no longer being treated with disrespect.” 2. “I have insight to why I was having the intense anxiety/anger. All of it was helpful but I especially liked the online discussions. The whole experience was eye-opening.”