I honestly don’t want to write this post. My feelings on this topic are muddled and all over the place.
As a kid, the church was my safe haven, the brightest spot in my week. But the last few times I went just before COVID, I left weeping.
I’m not even sure how I feel about God since my lens of this all-knowing deity has been tainted. It feels like I have to start at the beginning and get to know him/her all over again.
Recently, I bought an audiobook of Eugene Peterson’s The Message, an original translation of the Bible in Hebrew and Greek, and have been listening for themes of abuse. I have to say Jesus was pretty masterful at handling very tricky situations.
But I’ve realized my view of God has been terribly damaged.
In this week’s podcast, Natalie Hoffman put it well when she called the God of most churches a “narcissistic god.” A deity who’s all hopped on control and vengeance. Someone who demands obedience and plans on smitting unbelievers with damnation. For most of my life, I’ve lived in terror of that “god.”
Unpacking my life of toxicity has forced me to ask uncomfortable questions like, “What is loving behavior?” “What’s the difference between nice and good?” “And just because someone has defined themselves as a friend or as family, does that give them the right to be manipulative or exploitative?” “Have they earned the privilege of being in my life?”
And as I evaluate my support system on these new standards of healthiness, shouldn’t my spiritual life reflect the same?
Does that mean I throw out God?
Some of the most beautiful and radical descriptions of love can be found in the Bible. Take Paul’s writings in 1 Corinthians 13 (4-8).
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
My favorite verse is found in Isaiah 49:16. God, speaking to his people, declares, “See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.” Think about it: He hasn’t just tattooed our image on his body; we are etched into his very skin. On his palms where he will be reminded of us every second of every day. We are ever before him. Now, that’s radical love.
So, where has the church gone wrong when leader after leader have fallen in disgrace? When its men, like Ravi Zacharias, Bill Hybels, Mark Driscoll, and Mike Bickle, have preyed on the vulnerable, the young, or the disenfranchised.
Then, there’s the Purity Culture, which has left many traumatized and confused.
My own history with the church is murky and sad, so I don’t have any easy answers.
It seems whenever humans endeavor to create something lovely, we muck it up. The Bible says this best, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jer 17:9). On the tail end of that verse, God replies, “I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” (Jer 17:10)
And isn’t that the wish of every survivor? Real justice.
This week, Natalie Hoffman, host of the Flying Free podcast and a huge advocate for Christian women suffering from spiritual oppression, joins me on the podcast. You can listen to it here.
During this week’s live stream on YouTube, Facebook, and TikTok, I’ll take your questions on spiritual abuse.
This week’s in the Subscriber’s Edition, you will be able to:
Discover the signs of spiritual oppression and abuse
Learn about “spiritual bypassing” as a form of toxic positivity
Listen to the whole VIDEO episode of Natalie’s description of a spiritually oppressive community (yes, now it’s not just an audio, but a video!)
Discover resources on spiritual abuse and oppression.
Read the full transcript of this week’s podcast.
Here’s a teaser clip from this week’s Podcast Extra:
Subscribe today!
See you next week! ❤️
-Kerry
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