Why most people give terrible advice to victims of narcissistic abuse

“Just leave” is the most common advice nearly everyone gives when they hear that someone is in a relationship with a toxic, narcissistic person.

To an outsider, this might seem like obvious advice. But for someone trapped in the web of narcissistic abuse, it’s useless.

People often underestimate the emotional and psychological grip of toxic relationships.

This misunderstanding leads to well-meaning but damaging advice that can invalidate victims, deepen their confusion, or even reinforce the narcissist’s control.

Here are ten of the most damaging things victims of narcissistic abuse often hear and why they’re dangerous:

1. "It takes two to tango."
   This implies that the victim shares responsibility for the abuse, ignoring the manipulative and one-sided dynamics of narcissistic relationships.

2. "Why didn’t you leave sooner?"
   This dismisses the psychological grip of trauma bonding, fear, and manipulation, placing blame on the victim instead of recognizing their courage in leaving.

3. "They don’t seem that bad to me."
   This invalidates the victim’s reality, as narcissists often mask their abusive behavior in public, leaving the victim feeling isolated and disbelieved.

4. "You’re being too sensitive."
   This trivializes the victim’s pain and reinforces the narcissist’s gaslighting, making the victim doubt their experiences and feelings.

5. "At least they’re a good parent."
   This denies the impact of narcissistic abuse on children and the victim’s own parenting journey, often minimizing the need to protect themselves and their kids.

6. "Just forgive and move on."
   This overlooks the lasting psychological wounds of narcissistic abuse, rushing the victim's healing process and ignoring the need for boundaries.

7. "Maybe they didn’t mean it like that."
   This echoes the narcissist's excuses, further confusing the victim and perpetuating their doubt about the abuse.

8. "You’re too dramatic."
   This reinforces the abuse by dismissing the victim’s emotions, echoing the narcissist's criticism, and undermining their healing process.

9. "You’ll regret leaving."
   This instills fear and self-doubt, playing into the narcissist's narrative that the victim cannot survive without them.

10. "You’re lucky it wasn’t worse."
    This minimizes the victim’s pain and trauma, as though they should feel grateful for enduring "lesser" abuse, disregarding the psychological devastation they’ve endured.

Why most people don’t understand abusive situations:

1. Lack of Awareness About Abuse Dynamics

• Misunderstanding Control: Many people see abuse as solely physical, overlooking the profound psychological manipulation, gaslighting, and financial or emotional control that can trap victims.

• Underestimating Trauma Bonds: The concept of trauma bonding—where victims develop emotional attachments to their abusers through cycles of abuse and reward—is not widely understood, making it hard for outsiders to empathize.

2. Cultural Biases and Myths

• "Why Don't They Just Leave?" Narrative: There’s a simplistic belief that leaving is easy, ignoring the complex web of fear, financial dependency, social isolation, and psychological trauma.

• Victim-Blaming: Societal myths perpetuate the idea that victims "allowed" the abuse or should have seen the warning signs earlier.

• Idealization of Family and Relationships: Cultural norms often prioritize keeping families together or respecting partners, leading to pressure on victims to endure abusive situations.

3. The Narcissist’s Mask

• Public Persona vs. Private Reality: Narcissists are often charming and well-liked in public, making it difficult for outsiders to reconcile their perception with the victim's reality.

• Gaslighting Extends to Others: Narcissists often manipulate the victim’s support system, creating doubt about the victim’s credibility.

4. Minimization of Emotional and Psychological Abuse

• Physical vs. Non-Physical Abuse: Emotional and psychological abuse is harder to see and quantify, leading people to dismiss its impact compared to physical harm.

• Normalization of Dysfunction: Societal messages (e.g., "all couples fight" or "relationships are hard work") can minimize the severity of abusive dynamics.

5. Human Cognitive Biases

• Just-World Fallacy: People want to believe that bad things happen for a reason, which can lead to blaming the victim rather than acknowledging the abuser’s actions.

• Projection and Oversimplification: Outsiders may project their own experiences onto the victim’s situation, assuming their perspective ("I would have left!") applies universally.

6. Systemic Barriers

• Institutional Failures: The justice system, workplaces, and even therapy can fail to understand or address the nuances of abuse, leading to disbelief or lack of support.

• Economic Inequality: Society often overlooks the role of financial dependency in keeping victims trapped.

7. Emotional Discomfort

• Avoidance of Complexity: Abuse situations challenge people’s views of fairness and safety, making them reluctant to fully engage with the messy reality of victimhood.

• Fear of Responsibility: Recognizing the victim’s limitations might compel people to step up in uncomfortable ways, such as providing long-term support or confronting the abuser.

8. Media Representation

• Stereotypical Depictions: Movies and TV often portray abuse as extreme, clear-cut, and easy to escape, creating unrealistic expectations about what victims face.

• Lack of Nuance: Media rarely explores the long-term psychological effects of abuse or the societal barriers victims encounter.

Because most people don’t understand the complexities of narcissistic abuse, it’s important to differentiate between helpful advice and harmful advice.

Which is why in the paid version of this newsletter I go over How you can identify when someone is a bad listener and What to do when you encounter bad advice.

This way, you’ll have the necessary knowledge to properly handle these situations without damaging your relationships or hindering your journey towards leaving or healing from your abuser.

Click here to access the paid version if you’re not a subscriber:

Plus, you’ll also gain access to my exclusive conversation with Lisa where we go over what you should actually do when you’re trying to leave. Here’s a short part of that discussion:

And don’t forget to join me live tomorrow (4:00 p.m. CT) on TikTok, Facebook, or YouTube where we’ll talk about the WORST thing you can say to a victim of narcissistic abuse.