Have you heard of betrayal blindness? You’ve likely experienced it without knowing it’s happened to you. This often unconscious process happens instantaneously. Our mind decides we aren’t ready to face something painful, so it whisks whatever it is out of our awareness. The truth may be squarely in our faces, but we can’t see it.
Last Week’s Poll Results
Speaking of not seeing what’s right in front of us but searching for it, last week’s poll on how many of you have ever snooped—78 percent said you have snooped through your partner’s phone or computer.
Jennifer Freyd writes about this phenomenon in her book Blind to Betrayal. She describes it as “a psychological phenomenon where individuals do not see or consciously acknowledge betrayal by someone upon whom they are significantly dependent.” Freyd argues that this blindness is necessary when we depend on the relationship for survival.
Since it’s unconscious, we don’t know that it’s happening; it’s only in hindsight that we can see the things we overlooked and the compromises we’ve made.
I remember an incident when I was faced with a choice to know or not know. Normally, our conscious mind doesn’t offer this option. It happened the morning I learned my new husband had been cheating. The other woman had sent a Facebook message filled with undeniable details.
Three things went through my head in rapid succession:
How can this be? I thought I knew enough about my partner to know where he was and what he was doing.
If this is true, then I actually don’t know him at all. I’ve married a stranger.
I could choose to “forget” this message, and life would go back to the way it was.
I felt a strong pull to forget. Facing this new truth meant I knew little about my partner, that he couldn’t be trusted, and that he was willing and able to betray me. But, I could wipe away all that pain by simply pretending it never happened. Though tempted, I knew this remedy wouldn’t fix anything.
Rarely do we get to choose; our mind decides for us.
Take, for example, the abuse of children. They NEED their parents. Their very lives depend on these relationships.
I saw this so clearly when, years ago, I was assigned to a young boy who had been hospitalized for trying to kill himself. He had knowingly run in front of a driver-operated lawn mower. Fortunately, it left him only with a nasty gash on one of his legs.
His mother had lost custody of him due to abuse and neglect. It was believed that their relationship had caused him to want to die, and yet every time she’d visit, he lit up like a Christmas tree with excitement. He loved her, but more importantly, he needed her. So he had blinded himself to her failures and betrayals—both small and large.
Despite reading the other woman’s damning letter in that darkened hotel room, I felt the same. I needed my new husband, too. My house and car had been sold, the visa to move to the new country had been approved, and the legal team had just finalized the terms of the new foreign company the two of us were heading up. I was moving to run an international business in a country where I didn’t speak the language. Without my new husband, I was in trouble.
Our need or dependency helps to create the perfect conditions for betrayal blindness.
To protect ourselves from this risk, it might be tempting to say we’ll just go it alone. If we don’t need anyone, then we can’t get hurt.
Love doesn’t work that way. Intimacy requires connection and belonging. However, we don’t need to “depend” on this person; rather, we should create a mutual interdependence with this individual.
So, in the Subscriber’s Extra:
Let’s delve into how to tell the differences between dependence and interdependence—to determine whether our relationship is built on loyalty or need.
In the Video Extra, let’s also explore how to recognize if you’re not seeing the situation or relationship clearly. Rossana Faye joins me to discuss how feelings of confusion could indicate the possibility of betrayal blindness.
You’re not going to want to miss this week’s podcast episode, either. Ro and I get pretty vulnerable about our own experiences of betrayal blindness. You can listen to it here: “How could I have not known? How Devastating Betrayals Blind Us”
And let’s talk about betrayal blindness on this week’s Facebook, YouTube, and TikTok live. I’ll be taking your questions this Tuesday at 4 p.m. CST (2 p.m. PST/3 p.m. MST/5 p.m. EST).
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