You Keep Explaining. They Keep Twisting. Here’s What's Really Going On...

You explain calmly. Thoughtfully. Maybe even send a follow-up message just to be clear, because the last thing you want is to be misunderstood.

But somehow, it still flips. They twist your words, question your motives, or act like you’re the problem.

Then comes the spiral. You replay the whole conversation in your head, what you said, what you should’ve said, and whether being honest was even worth it.

It’s exhausting to care this much and still feel unseen. Especially when all you’re trying to do is keep things peaceful and fair.

If this feels familiar, it’s not just about communication, it’s about survival instincts.

And today we’re going to unpack the hidden reasons behind this pattern, and why it so often backfires when you’re dealing with someone toxic.

The Four Common Reactions in Toxic Conversations

1. Over-Explaining (Fawn-Freeze Blend)

You try to clarify, justify, or “fix” their perception of you.

• Why it happens: You sense the danger of being misunderstood and try to prevent escalation by controlling the narrative.

• What it costs: You abandon your own clarity in a scramble to stay safe in their reality.

2. Word Paralysis (Freeze Response)

You suddenly can’t articulate your thoughts. Your mind goes blank.

• Why it happens: Your nervous system shuts down in the face of subtle threat, especially when gaslighting or DARVO is present.

• What it costs: You later replay the conversation obsessively, wishing you'd said something differently.

3. Emotional Flooding (Fight-Flight Blend)

You feel overwhelmed, flooded with anger, fear, or grief and either lash out or retreat.

• Why it happens: The injustice or manipulation hits a nerve, but you're not safe enough to process it in real time.

• What it costs: You're often left feeling like you overreacted, instead of recognizing the setup.

4. Appeasing & Agreeing (Fawn Response)

You nod, placate, or go along with things you don’t agree with.

• Why it happens: You’re trying to keep the peace and avoid emotional punishment.

• What it costs: You betray your own truth and boundaries to survive the moment.

Why We Over-Explain

Because on some level, we’re trying to rewrite the story they’ve already decided to believe about us.

Overexplaining is often a trauma response, an attempt to self-protect by filling in the gaps before they weaponize them.

With narcissistic or toxic individuals, we sense (often correctly) that they’re looking for a way to distort our words, question our motives, or flip the script on us.

So we try to preempt that by over-justifying, clarifying, softening. But it rarely works and here’s why:

1. They’re not listening to understand. They’re listening for ammunition or an opening to regain control.

2. We’re chasing validation they’ll never give. If they don't see us clearly, no amount of explaining will change that.

3. It stems from a deeper belief that we have to earn the right to set boundaries. Especially if guilt, fear of abandonment, or a history of being misunderstood is in play.

Ultimately, overexplaining is about trying to regulate their reaction instead of staying anchored in our own truth.

How To Tell If You’re Overexplaining:

1. You feel a sudden urgency to prove your good intentions.

Even if no one asked, you start justifying why you did something, fearing they’ll misinterpret it.

2. You’re repeating yourself in different ways.

Saying the same point three different times, hoping one version will finally “land” or feel safe enough to be accepted.

3. You feel a creeping anxiety that you’ve left something out.

You keep thinking, “Wait, I should also mention this,” as if any missing detail could be used against you.

4. The explanation gets longer than the decision itself.

If you declined an invitation but are still texting a 500-word explanation about your boundaries… that’s a red flag.

5. You're more focused on their reaction than your own clarity.

You’re watching them closely, trying to tweak your wording mid-sentence to keep the peace.

How Gaslighting Directly Leads To Overexplaining

Gaslighting activates over-explaining because it creates a destabilizing psychological loop.

One where your perception, memory, or feelings are subtly (or blatantly) denied.

You’re left questioning what’s real, and to regain a sense of footing, you start explaining. And explaining. And explaining.

Here’s what happens underneath the surface:

The Gaslighting-to-Over-Explaining Loop

1. You express something true.
   Maybe it’s a boundary, a feeling, or an observation.

2. They subtly distort or deny it.
   “It didn’t happen like that.” “You’re overreacting.” “You’re so sensitive.” They sow doubt.

3. You feel disoriented or invalidated.
   You start to wonder, Did I get it wrong? Did I miss something?

4. You over-explain to defend your reality.
   You try to connect the dots for them (but really for yourself), hoping the right combination of words will prove:
   
   “I’m not crazy. I’m not mean. I’m not the problem.”

5. They use the over-explaining to further manipulate.
   The more you talk, the more material they have to twist, minimize, or flip against you, tightening the control.

Over-explaining, in this context, becomes a self-rescue attempt that backfires. It’s an attempt to make a disorienting interaction feel logical and safe again but with a toxic or narcissistic person, there is no safety in logic.

The real work is in pausing and asking: Am I explaining, or am I trying to earn the right to feel what I feel?

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How To Recognize Other Unhealthy Responses To A Conversation With A Narcissist

1. Over-Explaining (Fawn-Freeze Blend)

You try to justify, prove, or make them understand you.

• Sign: Long monologues defending your intent

• Rooted In: Fear of being misunderstood or blamed

• Toxic Result: Gives them material to twist, keeps you in their frame

2. People-Pleasing (Fawn Response)

You agree, apologize, or soften your truth to avoid conflict.

• Sign: You say “yes” while your body says “no”

• Rooted In: Fear of rejection, shame, or punishment

• Toxic Result: You abandon your own needs for temporary peace

3. Word Paralysis (Freeze Response)

You shut down mid-conversation, go blank, or can’t respond clearly.

• Sign: You’re quiet but boiling inside, or dissociating

• Rooted In: Feeling emotionally ambushed or unsafe

• Toxic Result: You leave feeling confused and self-critical

4. Reactive Defensiveness (Fight Response)

You lash out, match their tone, or overcorrect in a burst of emotion.

• Sign: You raise your voice, use sarcasm, or shame back

• Rooted In: Feeling invalidated, controlled, or cornered

• Toxic Result: They use your reaction as “proof” you're the problem

5. Avoidance & Disengagement (Flight Response)

You disconnect completely—ghost, avoid the topic, or stay silent.

• Sign: You keep the peace by never going deeper

• Rooted In: Fear of escalation, or despair that nothing will change

• Toxic Result: Needs go unmet; resentment and confusion grow

The pattern across all of these is this: you’re managing the other person instead of staying grounded in your own truth.

These reactions aren’t your fault, they’re survival-based, but they can be replaced with boundaried, self-anchored responses.

And Here Are Some Common, Concrete Examples Of These Unhealthy Responses:

Over-Explaining (Fawn-Freeze)

• Writing long texts or emails trying to “clear the air”

• Leaving lengthy voicemails explaining your side

• Repeating the same explanation multiple times, hoping it finally lands

People-Pleasing (Fawn)

• Apologizing for things that weren’t wrong just to smooth things over

• Saying “yes” to requests that feel exploitative or draining

• Laughing off rude or inappropriate comments

Word Paralysis (Freeze)

• Smiling or nodding while dissociating internally

• Agreeing just to end the conversation

• Forgetting what you wanted to say until hours later

Reactive Defensiveness (Fight)

• Snapping back with sarcasm, insults, or moral lectures

• Raising your voice to finally “be heard”

• Bringing up past evidence or “proof” to win the argument

Avoidance & Disengagement (Flight)

• Ghosting the person altogether without closure

• Changing the subject anytime they get uncomfortable

• Pretending it doesn’t bother you when it deeply does

You’re not “too much.” You’re not “overreacting.” And you don’t need to keep explaining yourself just to be seen as reasonable.

These patterns aren’t flaws, they’re nervous system responses shaped by survival, not weakness.

The real shift begins when you stop managing their perception… and start honoring your own clarity.

You don’t have to convince anyone to treat you with respect. You just have to remember:

Your truth doesn’t need permission to exist.

Resources

“Use These 10 Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist”

“What Is the Gray Rock Technique, And How Can It Protect You From Narcissists?”

“Can the Grey Rock Method Protect You From Toxic Behavior?”

“The 5 Things You Need to Do If You're Dealing With a Narcissist”

“5 Classic Signs of a Narcissist – How to Spot Them and What to Do”

Videos

See you next week!
Kerry,