You’ve Focused On Them Long Enough. Now What About You?
Ever feel like no matter how patient, loving, or forgiving you are… nothing really changes?
You’ve begged, explained, compromised, maybe even screamed into the void, only to be met with temporary “improvements” that vanish as soon as things calm down.
It’s exhausting. And confusing. Because sometimes, they seem sincere. They say the right things. Maybe they even cry. But then it happens again.
Let’s get honest about what change really requires, and why you're not wrong for still feeling unsafe.
What Real Change Actually Looks Like (Especially in Relationships)
To say someone has truly changed, especially someone who has been emotionally manipulative, exploitative, or narcissistic, requires more than moments of regret or surface-level behavior shifts. Real change is:
Consistent, not situational
They don't just act differently when you’re watching or when there’s a consequence. Their behavior shifts even when no one is looking, and even when it costs them comfort, power, or pride.Internal, not just performative
They demonstrate genuine insight into the harm they’ve caused, not just because they were caught, but because they actually feel the impact.Ongoing, not a one-time fix
Growth becomes a process they’ve committed to therapy, self-reflection, reading, apologizing, asking questions, sitting in discomfort. And it doesn’t stop after one argument or one promise.Empathy-driven, not ego-driven
They prioritize your emotional safety even when they’re angry or ashamed. You’re not left managing their feelings or walking on eggshells.Accountable, not defensive
They take ownership without shifting blame, minimizing, or twisting the story. They don’t weaponize their own past to excuse abuse (“I had a rough childhood too”). They recognize pain caused, even unintentionally.
Why Signs of Real Change are Often Missed
(P.S. I’ll be sharing a personal story about how I got fooled by these exact same signs. This will be in the paid version if you’d like to hear what finally woke me up.)
Because survivors are often primed to mistake surface shifts for true transformation, especially in toxic relationships where emotional confusion and trauma bonding have rewired their sense of safety, trust, and hope.
Here are key reasons people misread pseudo-change as real change:
1. You're starving for hope
When someone has hurt you but shows signs of “trying,” it’s deeply tempting to believe it's finally happening, that the love you’ve worked so hard to protect might finally be safe.
→ Hope becomes a survival strategy, especially after cycles of abuse.
“This time it feels different. He’s reading a book. She apologized. He said he’ll go to therapy. I want to believe this.”
2. They copy the language of change
Narcissists are often masters of emotional mimicry. They watch, listen, and parrot back the right words:
“I know I’ve hurt you.”
“I’m trying to be better.”
“That wasn’t okay. I get it now.”
But words without follow-through, especially sustained emotional discomfort and behavioral work aren’t growth. They’re strategy.
3. You’ve been gaslit about your own perception
If you’ve spent months (or years) being told you're “too sensitive,” “overreacting,” or “never satisfied,” then when they do anything that looks like growth, it’s easy to second-guess yourself.
→ You might think:
“Maybe I’m being too hard on them.”
“This is what progress looks like... right?”
4. You mistake remorse for change
Guilt ≠ growth.
Crying, begging, even saying, “I can’t believe I hurt you” may feel like vulnerability, but unless it's followed by behavioral accountability, it’s more likely emotional manipulation or self-pity.
True change isn’t in how sorry they feel.
It’s in how safe you feel over time.
5. You're trauma bonded
In trauma bonds, the high of perceived repair can flood your nervous system with relief.
That emotional whiplash hurt, followed by temporary kindness or remorse, feels addictive. You may unconsciously crave their approval as a form of relief from your own pain.
Here’s How Narcissists And Psychopaths Trick You:
Dr. George Simon describes pro-change behaviors as surface-level actions that look like steps toward accountability but are used to manipulate perception, not to truly change.
They are pseudo-remorseful gestures designed to reduce consequences, pacify others, or regain control, not to heal or evolve.
1. Token Gestures of Compliance
Attending one therapy session (to say “I’m going”)
Reading a book or quoting a resource—but applying none of it
🚩 Motive: Control optics, not character. Designed to pacify you.
2. Wordplay Without Action
“I take responsibility” (but nothing actually changes)
“I know I have issues” (said to avoid confronting those issues)
🚩 Motive: Manipulate perception through rehearsed language.
3. Self-Pity as a Shield
“I hate myself for what I did”
“You’ll never understand how hard it is for me”
🚩 Motive: Shift the emotional burden onto you so you feel guilty for asking for more.
4. False Promises of Future Change
“I’ll fix this after X is done” (new job, new year, etc.)
“I’m working on it” without showing progress or specifics
🚩 Motive: Stall your departure. Extend their access without changing.
5. Weaponized Vulnerability
Sudden disclosures of trauma used to justify bad behavior
Crying or breaking down when confronted—not from remorse but to shut you down
🚩 Motive: Derail conversations and make you feel like the aggressor.
6. Charm Offensive
Love bombing (again) to distract from the latest harm
Sudden attentiveness, gifts, or affection - out of nowhere
🚩 Motive: Bypass accountability with positive reinforcement.
7. Misusing Therapy
Going to therapy and lying to or manipulating the therapist
Using their therapist's words to invalidate your experience
🚩 Motive: Use the authority of therapy to shut you up or gaslight you further.
8. Deflection Through Spirituality or Identity
“That’s not who I am anymore” (without owning who they were)
Hiding behind a new identity—“I’m sober now” or “I’m healing my inner child”—to avoid ongoing relational repair
🚩 Motive: Rebrand without repair.
9. Manufactured Confusion or Contradictions
Admitting to one small wrong to conceal a bigger one
Agreeing with you in words but subtly undermining you later
🚩 Motive: Exhaust and destabilize your reality-checking system.
10. Enlisting Outside Validation
Triangulating: “Even my therapist/mom/friends say I’ve changed”
Using your reaction to prove you’re “the real problem”
🚩 Motive: Use image management to isolate you and discredit your truth.
This Time, It’s About YOU
If you've spent years hoping they would change, here’s a question no one asks enough…
What would it look like if you did?
Not in a performative way, not to fix the relationship, but in a deep, quiet, internal shift, the kind that changes you forever, not just for them.
The First Steps to Leaving a Narcissist Course isn’t just information. It’s a mirror, a compass, and a guide through the fog. If you're done waiting for them to change, maybe it’s time to shift the focus back to you.
Real change isn’t about getting through to them. It’s about finally coming home to yourself.
👉 Ready for real change, not performative, not temporary, not for their approval, but truly yours? Start your first step toward freedom today by clicking here.
And if you’re interested in hearing my personal story about How My Ex Duped Me With His Manipulations, as well as learn more about the characteristics you need in order to actually change…
I invite you to the paid version of this newsletter. Click the button below to become a member if you’re not already inside:
Fake vs Real Change: How My Ex Duped Me With His Manipulations
Narcissists are pretty sophisticated at avoiding responsibility and accountability. They use pro-change behavior to manipulate their partners into complacency.
What it takes to really change
To create real personality and relational change, especially for someone with narcissistic traits or character disturbances, it requires deep psychological work rooted in self-awareness, humility, and emotional discipline.
Here's a breakdown of the core skills and strengths that must be present, not just claimed, but demonstrated consistently over time.
Psychological Skills Necessary for Real Change
1. Self-Awareness
Ability to observe one’s own patterns of thought, behavior, and emotion
Willingness to recognize defense mechanisms (denial, projection, rationalization)
Capacity to reflect on how one’s actions impact others
2. Empathy (Not Just Cognitive, But Emotional)
Ability to emotionally attune to others' pain and perspectives
Willingness to sit with guilt or shame without deflecting it
Taking someone’s experience seriously, even if it wasn’t intentional
3. Emotional Regulation
Tolerating uncomfortable feelings (shame, frustration, envy) without acting out
Managing impulses rather than blaming others for triggering them
Accepting limits, disagreement, or criticism without collapse or attack
4. Humility
Letting go of the need to be right, admired, or in control
Admitting when they’re wrong without conditions or qualifications
Recognizing that their worldview is not always accurate or superior
5. Delayed Gratification
Choosing long-term relational health over short-term emotional release
Sticking with the discomfort of change rather than reverting for quick relief
Committing to growth even when there’s no immediate reward or praise
6. Accountability
Owning harm without minimizing, blaming, or distorting the facts
Making direct amends, not just apologies, with a focus on repair
Inviting feedback and remaining open to continued evaluation
7. Consistency
Showing up differently over time, especially when it’s hard or inconvenient
Remaining aligned in word, action, and values
Following through on commitments, even when no one is watching
8. Capacity for Intimacy
Engaging in mutual vulnerability and emotional honesty
Allowing space for others to have needs, boundaries, and separate selves
Sharing power and control within the relationship dynamic
9. Moral Development
Internalized sense of right and wrong that goes beyond rule-following
Motivation to act with integrity, even in private
Understanding how their behavior fits into a larger social and ethical context
10. Growth Mindset
Belief that change is possible through effort, discomfort, and repetition
Openness to learning, even when it’s humbling
Seeing mistakes as feedback, not failure
Change isn’t a performance… it’s a process.
And in relationships, that process isn’t just about what someone says or promises. It’s about what they practice, day after day, especially when no one’s clapping.
If you’re evaluating whether something has truly shifted, step back and observe. Let patterns speak louder than words.
You don’t have to debate their intentions, just pay attention to their follow-through.
Resources
Videos
See you next week!
Kerry,